“Mom’s Christmas Suit”


Twas two weeks before Christmas, Mom needed a suit
To ole J.C. Penney’s she dashed with some loot
She returned with a secret all wrapped in sack
Couldn’t be pressed to say if twas red or twas was black
My sister and I simply dying to know
“Okay,” she agreed, “I’ll put on a show!”
“Sit down and get comfy while I go get dressed”
“Don’t mind if it’s wrinkly I’ve not time to press.”
My sister and I snuggled in side by side
Our boyfriends were looking like we’d lost our minds
Down the hall sashayed Mother, a vision in red
Our poor dog, Peanut, had so much to dread
Mom was proud, she looked lovely, we could not deny
“A walk’s not enough, I’ll come out on the fly!”
Mother retreated back into her room
She swayed down the hallway like Ms. Heidi Klum
Back straight, head up, eyes looking ahead
(Here comes the part poor Peanut did dread)
Mother tripped on the rug and started to stumble
“Oh these bitchin’ heels,” we heard her grumble
She tripped and she tumbled and stepped on the dog
She laughed, then passed gas, (what’s happened to Mom?!)
But the show wasn’t over, she hadn’t yet landed
She twisted and twirled, she’d performed far too candid
She crashed through 2 stools then hit the bar
“Well shit, damn it all, that’s my worst show by far!”
My sister, the boyfriends, and I sat there staring
In much disbelief while my mother stood glaring
Embarrassment, certainly, at that time ensued
She blushed, and she giggled, and then came unglued
She laughed, as did we, then she laughed even more
The next thing we knew, there was pee on the floor!
“Well son-of-a-bitch, my suit AND my shoes?!”
They were filling with pee, crafting more Christmas blues
Down the hall Mother stormed leaving one soggy trail
As the rest of us out in the parlor did wail
She hung up the suit and allowed it to dry
What she did after that will stay ‘tween her and I
She looked stunning on Christmas, as Moms always do
But she wasn’t wearing a red suit or red shoes 🙂

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