“Last Minute Shopping and Handcuffs”


Thought I’d stop by the mall on my lunch hour to pick up a couple small things and kind of pre-game for the big event tomorrow. There were so many people, my heart started pounding, I got real dizzy, my skin started crawling, and I couldn’t even remember what holiday it is (thanks in part to the Valentine candy displays).

I decided to visit the mall manager and try to convince her I’m a celebrity and that perhaps tomorrow she should close the mall to the public – you know, just for a few hours, sort of a private shopping experience so the paparazzi won’t be heckling me. No lines, no waiting, no fighting for the last item with a cranky-ass-last-minute-shopping-cohort, and no nostalgic time-eating visits with people I haven’t seen in years (it’s scientifically proven you’ll run into at LEAST 5 such people whenever you’re in a hurry – well, maybe not scientific, but it’s a friggin’ fact!).

She threatened to call security. In an effort to be taken very seriously, I smacked a $20 on her desk. Did you know mall security carry handcuffs? Neither did I.  Merry Christmas to YOU, officer.  Hey, can we just stop by to grab lotto tickets for everyone on my list on the way out of here?  What?  No?!  Are you kidding me right now?!

In lieu of bail money, please send presents to my kids signed “Love, Santa”.

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