“Advice to the Online Dating World”

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Major forehead smack! I posted a few weeks ago how I was trying to play Trivia Crack from my phone and a little red box flashing “AYI” kept running at the top of my otherwise stuck screen. I pushed the “AYI” hoping to free up the game…it was a TRAP! I’ve been receiving all kinds of emails from “AYI”…aka…”Are you interested?” I am NOT interested (just to be perfectly clear); but tonight I decided to check out some of the pics out of sheer nosiness. It is glaringly obvious some of the men are on that site (and will remain there endlessly) for a reason. If you think I’m kidding, check out the site (although you’ll get 18,000 emails a day and despite various efforts, will be unable to “unsubscribe”. Gentlemen, I’m here to help.

Rules for posting a picture to an online dating website:

1. Do not post the selfie you took in the mirror. We can see your phone. It makes us realize you’re too dumb to figure out the flip feature on your phone, or that you don’t have any friends (who may actually take a pic for you if you ask nicely).

2. Definitely do not post the selfie you took in the mirror with your shirt off – no matter HOW great your body is. Ever. Period.

3. If it looks like a mug shot, we’ll assume you’re a convict looking for a conjugal visit, and we won’t even look at your profile.

4. Do not post a picture of you and your ex-wife/girlfriend/lover or any female who may be misconstrued as one.

5. Do not post pictures with babies (or puppies) you borrowed to get the “Awwwwwww” affect.

6. Do not post pictures with your fancy expensive car. We’re looking for a date, not a car. They make separate websites to help us find cars. Fancy car pics make you look like a pretentious prick.

7. For the love of GOD, do not post “seductive” half naked poses. Unless you are Daniel Craig. “Seductive” just looks silly, and we know it took you 18 tries to get the self timer to work.

8. Brush your teeth before you take a close up. No, really. Maybe even floss.

9. Don’t post pictures that show you’re actually 80 when the profile says 50 OR which show you’re closer to 18 when the profile says 35. We women are clever…we figure it out.

10. Do not post pictures with your children (or borrowed children)…it will not make us feel any more sympathetic.

11. Don’t flex. Just…don’t.

12. Cut your hair.

13. Put your teeth in.

14. Put DOWN the gun.

15. Do not post pics of you standing beside your freshly gutted deer. We’re proud of you, you can survive in the wild. We get it.

16. No need to flip the bird…we know what you eventually want to do with us.

17. Put on a shirt.

18. Do NOT post a selfie taken in a public bathroom mirror with the condom machine and baby changing station in the back ground. Although the irony is appreciated.

19. If you look like Borat or Charles Manson, you may want to skip the pic altogether.

20. Put on a shirt.

21. Do not post pictures you’ve obviously cropped an ex-wife/girlfriend/lover out of.

22. Photo should be from this decade.

23. The hot pink bikini top MUST go. In media, it’s difficult to tell if this is your quirky sense of humor, or if we’re actually going to have to share clothes with you. Sharing clothes is a deal breaker.

24. No former wedding pictures. (See #4)

25. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST…PUT A SHIRT ON!!!!

3 thoughts on ““Advice to the Online Dating World”

  1. Omg too funny but yet sad to see people actually do this. Put your teeth in (really you think this would come naturally), wedding picture (I just don’t get it. What kind if message is he trying to send) and the best put your gun down (that just scares me). Keep up the good articles Amy. I always look forward to reading them

    Liked by 1 person

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