“I Resolve Not To”


A new year, a new me…not so much. Every year I’ve fooled myself into believing this is how it would be. I could magically revolutionize myself overnight with a few empty promises to myself (a.k.a. the evil Resolutions). I am the queen of fabulous ideas and little follow through, so New Year’s is totally my holiday!

A list of my typical resolutions through the years:

I’m joining the gym – I consider this one a success. In years past, I have joined the gym. Hey, I never resolved to actually set foot inside the cursed place. I’ve wasted thousands of dollars on gym memberships I’ve never used. Which leads me to one of my other favorite resolutions…

I’m going to responsible with money – bahahahahahahahahahaha! Did anyone buy that? Even for a second? In my late teens and early twenties, I was responsible with money. Then I fell off the wagon. This is a strange dynamic, because aren’t people typically less responsible as teens/young adults, but later learn to be more adult-like? Not me. I’m in a complete regression on multiple levels.

I’m going to be a better housekeeper – well, this one worked from time to time, until I had kids. More specifically, until I had Max. The combination of having the Tasmanian devil for a child and my I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit hormone kicking in simultaneously, was probably a bad combination. Trust me, I am the poster child for OCD being cured.

I am going to cook more frequently and healthier – I had a really difficult time keeping a straight face through that one. I usually cook more frequently from January to March, and again, I fall off the wagon. They really need to put seatbelts on those wagons. My kids and I spend WAY too much time in restaurants, which not only makes me feel like a bad parent (as we’re missing all those great cooking/bonding experiences), but it also negates resolution #2 (see above).

I am not going to judge people – Pfffffft! That lasts all of 30 minutes, then someone pisses me off.

I am going to be ON TIME! – Show of hands for anyone out there who has been left waiting on me. Yeah, I thought so. I apologize from the bottom of my heart, and I really mean that. I’ve considered therapy, counseling, hypnotism…there is something freaking wrong with me! Tell me a party is at 3:00, I’ll be there at 3:45. Tell me Ladies Night starts at 7:00, I’ll be there at 7:26 (my amazingly patient and good friend, Diane, has tracked my lateness. She swears I am 26 minutes late for every Ladies Night. Not 24, not 27, always 26). Work at 7:00? How about 7:02? Doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, dates, work, parties, kid’s school events, hair appointments, catching trains…the list is endless! I’ve read up on this. Many people say it’s a selfish trait – a wanton disregard for the value of other people’s time. That’s simply not true in my case. I panic, completely stress myself out with my lateness. All the while speeding to get somewhere, I worry my friends are going to be angry, my boss is going to fire me, my doctor appointment will be cancelled, my kids will be disappointed. Granted, some of these events are things I really don’t want to be at, so procrastination could be at play; but many of them are events I look forward to and am excited about! WHY THE HELL AM I LATE FOR EVERYTHNG IN MY LIFE?! I’ve stopped putting this on the resolution list. Period. It’s something much deeper, something requiring a PhD to figure out.

The conclusion I’ve come to…NO MORE RESOLUTIONS! It only sets me up for failure and causes me to beat myself up. I’m an adult, for cripe’s sake, and I can’t get it together any more than this? I set resolutions, knowing full well I am going to fail at them. When I fail at them, I slip into a state of mild depression. The depression causes me to be lazier and sleep more and lack energy. It’s a vicious cycle.

Be good to yourselves, my dear friends. This crazy world puts enough unrealistic demands on us without New Year’s piling on even more self-induced expectations. If you get out of bed each day, try to be kind to one another, shower, get dressed, and make it ANY WHERE at ANY TIME, pat yourself on the back and smile.

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